If you had told me six-months-ago that I would love my hair today, I wouldn’t have believed you. Back then I was in the middle of what I can only describe as a year-long hairdentinty crisis as I tried to figure out what to do with my mess of stringy, bleach-ravaged hair. It was a daily struggle that made me feel more uncomforable, unbeautiful, and unhappy than any other single personal beauty tragedy that I remember. I know I may sound a bit dramatic, but my recovery from bleach-damaged hair had so many phases and transitions, and with each one I had to sort of reimagine myself. Today I’m partnering with Living Proof to share my road back to healthy hair and a happy sense of self. I don’t know why I decided to bleach my hair platinum in the first place. I was in a good hair place, and I liked my natural color and shoulder length cut. Maybe it was being post-partum with my third baby and feeling like I needed a change. I usually felt like a change after having my babies, as if having a baby isn’t change enough! I spent 9 hours in the salon, going from deep, chestnut brown through two phases of orange and yellow before landing around pale blonde. It was a fun, definitely new look. I felt energized and somewhat hip. Maybe daring even.

I’m a dedicated DIY-er, historically including my hair, so I bought everything I needed to DIY my roots, and continued to do so every six to eight weeks for several months. Every time I noticed a little bit more damage and some additional light breakage, but I had been warned about that, and felt like it was the price I was paying for being platinum. My hair was all dead and blonde anyway. As the light damage increased on the ends, I felt like they looked a little stringy, so I would cut a few inches off. Then a few more. I had been growing my brown hair out for years, so I started with a pretty solid length, and I was planning on keeping it long despite my frequent trims.
During the rinse of what would become my last root touch-up I was in the shower running my hands through my noodle hair (did you know bleached hair feels like noodles? Slippery and a little stretchy? It does.) All of the sudden I realized that the handful of hair I held was not attached to my head anymore. I was inadvertently washing handfuls and handfuls of hair out! Somehow I had over-processed my hair and it was breaking off inches from my head! In disbelief I turned off the water and stopped running my fingers through my totally destroyed hair. I thought for sure I would have to shave my head. I was in shock.

When I peeked into the mirror I didn’t yet look bald. I couldn’t tell exactly how much hair had come out, and had a spark of hope that I’d be just fine. I called my friend and sometimes hairdresser who recommended I wait until it it was dry to work with it at all, then try some deep conditioning keratin treatments. In the morning I assessed the damage and found several spots where my hair had broken close to my scalp. Almost the entire top layer of hair was inches long, and there were patches throughout at the same length. But I still had some longer sections, and thought maybe if I just blended it all well I’d be okay. But I knew it would not survive another root touch up. That would be the end of the blonde for me.

I know some women rock unnaturally platinum hair for decades (I’m looking at you, Gwen Stefani!) I think they must have really amazing stylists who are keeping particular watch over it, and maybe their regular regimen includes more careful daily treatments. I’m sure they’re not DIYing and snipping away at random, like I was. The thing is, I had never before put a lot of stock into what my hair looked like, although I wanted it to look nice with a small amount of effort and maintenance. I took having healthy, shiny hair for granted, and I was stuck with a real mess.

After spending a few weeks trying to blend the broken pieces, I DIYed some ombre at the roots, thinking that would be a good way to sneakily transition back to brown. Unfortunately, it was a total disaster and my hair looked worse than before. It looked terrible and the only way I could sort of fake okay hair was curling it or wearing it up. Ironic that during the two weeks of this terrible hair color I spoke at a conference, filmed a news segment, and did a professional photo shoot with my sisters. So, I have lots of documentation of the worst hair I’ve ever had.

As soon as I returned from that trip, I went to a salon and had the bad ombré corrected, and the stringy ends trimmed, again. For the first time in months I felt a little more comfortable with my hair. When it was down, brushed, and tucked behind my ears it looked pretty good. When it moved around though, it was really obvious how much thinner the lower half of my head looked, due to the breakage. I should have just bit the bullet and cut it off, but I was in mourning for my long hair. I felt embarrassed for the damage I had done, sad about the way I looked, and silly for caring at all–IT’S JUST HAIR, after all, right? I did care, though. I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin while at the same time trying to balance the idea of what I wanted to look like, or what I thought I used to or should look like, with the current reality, which didn’t match up. I had some really low days and when I explained my feelings to Dave at night I would always tack on the end “…and I just hate my hair and don’t know how to fix it without buzzing it all off.” Even hair mattered when it contributed to negative self-talk, and lowering self-esteem. I took a long time to allow myself to realize how much my terrible hair was affecting me, and I had to give myself permission to do something about it. Finally, out on a date night I asked if Dave would mind us going to buy some clip-in hair extensions. (I had gone to a specialist to get an estimate for real, attached extensions and it was somewhere in the neighborhood of $600 + $300 every six weeks to maintain. But she was certain she would be able to help me look my best while I grew it out for the next four years!) Instead I grabbed some extensions at the local beauty supply, and watched a bunch of YouTube videos showing how to put them in.

It actually wasn’t too difficult, but the few times I wore them in public I felt like I was wearing a wig. And I was worried that they would be obvious, and I didn’t end up loving them. One morning while I was blow drying gently, I noticed how when I blew everything forward, I basically had a set of thick bangs, because my whole crown was about eyebrow length. So, I grabbed my scissors and snipped across the few stringy strands hanging in front of my eyes and gave myself bangs.

Bangs turned out to be the gateway drug I needed to accept cutting most of my hair all the way off. It took several months of wishing my hair was different, and mourning what I thought should be, before I let myself take some control over the reality of my situation and move forward past it. One morning before church I told Dave I was finally ready to go short and try to start over. When he came out from ironing the boys shirts, I had cut myself a nice little a-line bob (which I had a stylist shape-up and texture properly the next day). Once that the broken pieces were blended into an actual haircut, the next step was to try to keep the rest of my hair healthy and strong as the damaged bits continue to grow out and get trimmed off until they dissapear.
I was intrigued by Living Proof and their patented, award winning formulations. With Dave being a patent attorney I’m always especially interested in products that have enough novel technology to be patented, so I jumped at the chance to see how their damage restore system worked for me. The website has a product selector tool to help determine which products will work best for each individual hair type, and due to my complicated bleach damage, I fit squarely in the restore section, with some additional recommendations for volume boosting. When my hair is healthy, it’s silky smooth like baby hair. That also means it tends to lie very flat against my head, so some additional volume and texture is always on my list.

I started using the restore shampoo and conditioner once a week when I washed my hair, and soon noticed how my hair was loosing that wet noodle feeling and starting to feel like real hair again. When I brush and blow dry, it comes out soft and smooth, and really clean feeling. It feels so good. I still have frayed ends that will have to grow and be trimmed, grow and be trimmed, but my hair feels stronger and healthier. I feel calmer and happier.

My very favorite new products are the full thickening mousse and amp instant texture volumizer.  The mousse gives my hair the volume of extra hair without the clip in extensions. I’ve been using volumizing products my whole life (remember, silky fine baby hair) and this is by far the best I’ve used. By far. I’ve been using it for weeks and I’m still a little surprised when I finish blow drying. The amp is similar texture to a pomade until it’s in the hair, then it gets a little more sticky and less greasy. It has a cool way of adding texture without adding greasiness, and it sort of reactivates when you rub it later in the day, replenishing the texture all over again.

All of my life problems haven’t disappeared because my hair feels healthy, but that little uncomfortable nagging feeling that I don’t look or feel good has dropped off the bottom of the list. Cheers to that. It was a long road, and I wonder if I had known about all of the bad hair days (read: the entire eight months after my first bleach job) would I have gone for it anyway? No. Probably not, but we live and learn. And now sometimes when I’m telling Dave how I feel about life I even mention “…but I love my hair, so there’s that.”

This post created in partnership with Living Proof. All ideas and opinions expressed are my own. Thank you for supporting the brands that support this blog!