Introduction to Active Constructive Responding

Hey, welcome back to Practically Happy. I’m your host, Miranda Anderson, and today you’re listening to episode number 277. Thanks for tuning in. Building relationships through active, constructive communication. Have you heard of active, constructive responding? This is something that I hadn’t heard of before I did my graduate program.

And it’s become one of my favorite frameworks for remembering some of the better ways to communicate. Often, we Communicate in our regular pattern we get in a routine or a rut you could say positive or negative with individuals in our lives and we have a pace of communication with how we talk active constructive responding invites us out of a routine into a Real communication into collaborative, investigative, enthusiastic relationship, and it’s cool.

I’ve been the recipient of active, constructive response, and the way that it makes me feel when someone talks to me this way and responds this way is incredibly connective, and I think you’ll recognize that as I get into explaining the nuts and bolts of it. Before I jump in today, I’m going to share a couple books that I’ve been enjoying in the segment Book Nook.

Segment: Book Nook

Come and Get It

The first book that I want to share about is called Come and Get It. The author is Kylie Reid, who you would recognize from the bestseller that she wrote Either last year or the year before called such a fun ape. That was one of the biggest books of the year. And she’s here with another fun book.

This fiction is set in 2017 at the university of Arkansas. And there are a lot of fun key female players. There is Millie’s cousins. Who’s a resident assistant who, works as an RA at the dorms. Then there’s, of course, a bunch of. Students, transfer students and scholarship students who are at the dorm and then there’s an author, Agatha, who comes to the University of Arkansas to do research for her next book and the way these characters get intertwined and interconnected and their relationships is so fascinating.

I was telling my older sister that it felt like I got to be the fly on a wall listening to the gossip, like the kind of conversations that people have with each other, about each other, around each other, good and bad. And it was really fascinating. It was like being able to listen in on all these women’s thoughts and feelings.

Conversations, which in some ways it was like a book form of a soap opera for me, I don’t watch a whole ton of TV and I know that there is an appeal to watching reality TV, for example, that I have, friends who are really into it because of this sort of voyeuristic Quality to it. This was like the book version of that, which feels a little bit more on, something that I enjoyed.

And I had my audio book in. The narration is great. And I had the audio book in while I was digging in the garden and, clearing things away. And I was laughing out loud a couple of times. I thought it was funny. It’s not Super deep. It’s not super intense, but it does have some interesting commentary on wealth and on race.

And I liked the characters, even the unlikable ones. I liked them. So that’s come and get it by Kylie Reid. the other book that I recently read, mostly because I was working on this landscaping project and I was like, okay, what’s a long audio book that people have had good reviews for. And the one that kept coming up that I had.

Spare

Kind of been intentionally avoiding was spare. This is Prince Harry’s autobiography and I’m I Thoroughly enjoyed it. I have to say I am NOT like a huge Follower of the royal family. I know that there are people who really love them and there are people who feel really strongly You know against them and I don’t really have a whole lot of feelings about it Maybe I wasn’t intentionally avoiding the book so much as just not interested enough to read it Choose it, but it was really long and it was narrated by Harry himself who has that beautiful British accent and is so fun to listen to and I enjoyed it.

I thought it was an interesting story and I love hearing the perspective from inside a family that is semi dysfunctional. That is, so relatable because so many of us have wonderful, beautiful families that we love that are semi dysfunctional and the humanistic qualities that he explained in even just explaining his relationship with his brother and how there’s some competition and some jealousy and they love each other and there are some of these, friction points were something that I didn’t Just feel like, of course there are.

Of course, I have four sisters and we all love each other, and we are very different. And I think we have these, the same type of relationship of being like deeply invested in each other’s well-being. And occasionally there is a little bit of comparison and a little bit of competition and a little bit of, jockeying for position.

And that’s just so natural within a family. So, between this, yeah. real gossipy feeling women’s fiction and this royal autobiography. I covered a few ends of the spectrum and really enjoyed both. So, if you’re looking for an audiobook, I would recommend both or either. And that’s this week’s Book Nook.

Active Constructive Responding

Let’s talk about active constructive responding. This research is mostly from an article by Gabel and Haidt from 2006. One of the things I think is so important about active constructive responding is that it’s generally in response to positive news. So, in this study, they found that daily reports of positive event occurrences outnumber negative event occurrences by five to one.

When we are in interacting with our friends and family members, we more often are telling about things that have gone an interesting thing that happened, a good thing that happened to us. And when we’re sharing these things with our family members and with our friends and with our partners, we’re sharing strengths, we’re sharing good news, things that we enjoyed.

Share Positive Events

This process is called capitalization. The sharing of positive events with someone else is capitalization. It’s inviting someone into a positive experience that we’ve had. Simply starting here with getting good at sharing good news, sharing good things that have happened to us creates potential for deeper connections.

We can then build upon this positive experience in our communication, in our relationship. And it’s, like vulnerability toward the good that we are willing and open to share about good things that are happening in our lives. And that creates potential for deeper connections. I’m curious if you are likely or unlikely to share small positive things that happen to you with other people.

Do you tell someone about when you went on a beautiful walk, and you saw a garden that made you smile? Do you tell them about when you completed a meeting, and someone gave you kudos at the meeting and it felt good to be recognized? Do you share positive experiences with your partner, with your kids, with other people in your lives?

In what context do you share? Do you consider any factors when choosing whether to share? One of the things that, the, this question about factors reminds me of the years that we were engaged in building our family through getting pregnant and having babies. At that time, I had a lot of friends going through similar Life stages of wanting to have babies of trying to get pregnant and there were occasions where I Were you know would be newly pregnant and had found out that I was pregnant and I was you know getting to the time when I would share it with people and That I had friends that I knew wanted to be pregnant and maybe had been having a harder time and that was news that I was I had to be more thoughtful about how I wanted to share it.

That was a factor I considered. is this some, is my good news maybe going to feel like a sadness for someone else? Or will it invite grief for them? Or will it be a reminder of something that they don’t have? And that there’s, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that being intentional and thoughtful about when and the context in which we share good news, especially if it’s, of a particular type that may have, if we can see what type of effect it may potentially have on other people, that can be good awareness in our relationships. It’s also good to note that sharing good news with others, sharing positive events, is linked to increased positive affect and well-being, independent of the positive event itself.

So, something good can happen to you, and that feels good. That can, raise your mood, it gives you a little jolt of joy. Sharing about it with someone else gives you those same feelings all over again, independent of the event itself. However, the effects, those positive effects that come, the boost that we get from sharing them often have a lot of stakes in how the events are responded to.

When we share our good news or good events in our lives with people who respond, in a positive, constructive way, it builds the mood and the positivity in the relationship. When we share good news with someone who shuts it down, that, of course, doesn’t have the same effect. It has a negative overall effect.

So, in today’s show, I want to both, introduce this idea of sharing good news and encourage you to think about if you don’t already share positive events with people in your lives on a regular basis, what Why not? And are there contexts in which you could increase that for everyone’s well-being?

How do you respond when someone shares good news with you?

And then second, this important piece of how we respond when someone shares positive events with us. Gable and Haight’s research shares a four square, like a grid, if you can imagine, like one, two, three, four, a four square. A square divided into four parts. Four response styles. In the top left, we’re going to talk about active constructive.

In the top it’s active responding but destructive. In the bottom left is passive constructive. And in the bottom left is passive destructive. So above the line is active responding below the line is passive responding to the left of the line is constructive responding and to the right of the line is destructive responding.

It doesn’t matter which position they’re in. I’m just trying to give you the visual active constructive responding is characterized by being open to receiving the news. Following up with a question to help the person savor and share a little bit more about how it happened and being enthusiastically engaged in collaboration about the event itself.

Active Constuctive

If we can use the metaphor of a seed, which I love any garden metaphor, when someone shares good news with you, that’s like they’re planting a seed. An active, constructive responding through acknowledgement, asking further questions, and sharing positive feedback is like tending that seed with water and sunlight so it can grow.

Active Destructive

Active, destructive is when we jump straight into negative framing. We might ask a belittling question or engage in the breakdown of this joy. This is like pulling the seed out and throwing it away. You don’t even give a place for it to grow.

Passive Constructive

Passive constructive is expecting the seed to grow without any sun. It’s when we’re not interested or engaged, we don’t really acknowledge it. And not actively destructive. It’s not being mean or negative. It’s just not really acknowledging. that’s nice, honey.

Passive Destructive

And then passive destructive is when we don’t even acknowledge the news at all. That’s like putting shade over the seed in the garden and then going inside, changing the subject, moving on oblivious to the news.

I want to say that these are all normal reactions. And depending on our relationships and the different contexts in which people share things with us, it can be totally human and natural to have any one of these responses. So let me share an example that may highlight the different types of responding.

Maria comes home from her job as an associate in a law firm and excitedly tells her husband, Robert, that the senior partners called her into a meeting today and assigned her to be the lead lawyer for an important case on behalf of their most prestigious client. An active, constructive response from her husband might be, wow, that is great news.

Your skills and hard work are paying off. I’m sure that your goal to make partner is going to happen in no time. Tell me more about when they gave you this news and how you felt. This active, constructive response acknowledges the good news with enthusiasm, dives in and, shares, reinforces it and asks the question to go a little bit deeper and to invite the conversation to continue so you can, go on and talk for a few more minutes about this good thing that happened.

Now, contrast that with a passive, constructive response. That’s maybe a warm smile followed by a simple, that’s nice, honey. So that’s not actively Destructive, but it’s not actively constructive either. It’s passively kind of fine. An active destructive response might be, wow, I bet that case will be complicated.

Are you sure you can handle it? It sounds like it might be a lot of work. Maybe no one else wanted the case. You probably are going to have to work even longer hours this month. Does that sound familiar to you? The idea that likes, your good news is now my problem because it’s going to take you away from me.

Or, ugh, are you sure you want to do that? Finally, passive destructive response might be, you won’t believe what happened to me today. So, Maria says, listen to all this great stuff that happens to me. And her husband says, oh, do you know what I did today? Or, hey, what do you want for dinner? These examples hopefully help highlight for you the idea of actively building upon someone’s good news versus actively destroying it.

And then the in between, which are just meh. It’s probably no surprise that in studies it shows that only the responses that were active and constructive were associated with personal well-being and higher relationship quality.

A passive or a destructive response can explicitly or implicitly imply to the participant that a) the event is not significant, it doesn’t have present or future value b)the responder doesn’t have an intimate knowledge of what’s important to the person sharing the news, so then it makes them feel unknown and unseen c) that the capitalizer’s emotions, thoughts, and life are not of a concern to the respondent. So that you share good news, and the other person just doesn’t really care.

What are your go-to responses?

As you’re thinking about this, can you think of a time recently, even in the last couple days, that someone, whether it was A partner, a child, a friend, a parent shared some positive news with you and how you responded.

Do you remember? Unless you have a solid skill set of regularly, enthusiastically building on positive news, I think that the most common responses are the in betweenness. Like just gently, positive, passively constructive with Oh, that’s nice, fun. Good for you. Or, if you’re highly distracted, maybe a shift in subjective, oh, huh, okay, could you grab that for me?

Or what time do we have to leave? When I was learning about this type of responding, I recognized that in some circumstances, my go to response with Dave, specifically, is the active destructive. And I think that sometimes I do this out of trying to be protective of his time or of our family, that if he shares some good news of someone who invited him to do something cool, or, he’s excited about an opportunity that’s arisen.

Sometimes, and I think it’s very well meaning, I Instead of acknowledging and digging in and asking questions and validating the experience, I move into, oh, but how’s that going to affect your schedule or what are how are you going to manage this or that? Or isn’t that going to off balance your workload and all again, meaning in my head, I’m being very helpful pointing out the negative aspects of the positive event that’s been shared.

And this framework reminds me that. There is a different place in time for diving into logistics, that the specifics of how good news is going to pan out over time doesn’t have to be addressed now of sharing. Now of sharing, the very most positive way to respond That encourages deeper communication and deeper connection is with active, constructive responding with acknowledgement with further questioning and with enthusiasm and excitement for the news that matches the person who’s shared with you.

I’m curious what you feel like might get in the way of responding like this, what comes to mind if you are thinking like, Oh, that’s great. I need to, that would be something I could work on. Wonderful. And I’m going to share like these specific steps with you. But if you’re thinking, I don’t really have time for that, or that wouldn’t go over very well in my family, or that sounds cheesy to me.

What might get in the way of you using this type of active constructive responding with your kids? With your husband with your family members. I’m also curious and just want to invite you into some self-reflection around. Can you identify just as you’re listening to these different ways of responding relationships in your life and the norm that you have in those relationships with your responses?

Are there people with whom you naturally go into active, constructive responding? I know that with my good girlfriends, whenever someone shares good news, I immediately jump into active, constructive. that feels like a natural place to go with my close girlfriends. With my sisters, it may be a balance between some active, constructive or some Active destructive, like poking holes in the good news or asking questions about it again.

In my head, it’s coming from a place of helpfulness, when it’s not helpful or connective at all.

Acknowledge, Ask, Celebrate

Here’s the shortcut to remind you how to use active constructive responding in your lives that I want to share. It is exclaimed, ask, congratulate. Or, exclamation point, question mark, exclamation point.

The first step is exclaimed. This is acknowledgment of the news that’s been shared or the event or experience that’s been shared with you. Celebrate with energy. Nice work. That’s incredible. I’m so proud of you. Wow. What is your acknowledgment of the thing that’s been shared with you? Your daughter comes home and says, Mom, look, I got an 85 percent on my spelling test.

Okay, exclaim. Wow, that’s so great, honey. Then, you move into the next one. Ask. Build resonance with a supportive question like, how did that feel? How should we celebrate? What do you think contributed to this, good news? Reflecting the good news back onto the sharer with a question invites them to savor their own positive experience, to go a little bit deeper and consider Huh, how did it feel in that moment?

What was it like to find out this good news? It gives them a chance to relive the experience and to invite you a little bit deeper into that process. And then finish with congratulations. You deserve this. You’ve worked hard. I’m thrilled for you. Way to go. Exclaim, ask, congratulate, exclamation point, question mark, exclamation point.

This simple formula can help you remember that deeper relationships are built on better communication and shared positive experiences. This study that I referred to at the beginning of the show had some interesting results and explanations for the results. One thing that they showed was that feeling understood, validated, and cared for during a positive event discussion was strongly and consistently associated with relationship being, including satisfaction, commitment, and love.

And this is interesting. For men, only perceived responsiveness in the positive event discussion, not in a negative event discussion, uniquely predicted relationship being. So, in plain terms, for men in the study, it was more important that they have active constructive responses when they were disclosing positive events and experiences than that their partners were supportive when they were disclosing negative experiences.

The authors also compare this idea of active, constructive responding to one of my favorite theories in positive psychology, the broaden and build theory of positive emotion that I’ve shared about on the show before, the research is by Barb Fredrickson out of UNC, and she talks about how when we have positive emotional experiences that it increases our ability to recognize resources in our surroundings, in our lives, even emotional resources, and that those help us be more creative, more open minded, and continue to progress in our journeys.

The authors in this article talk about how this type of active, constructive responding builds relational resources, that the resources take the form of increased intimacy, satisfaction, love, and commitment, which then can be called upon during times of stress and uncertainty within the relationship. The way that we respond to bids for connection, in this case, the sharing of a positive experience or event, makes a huge impact on our relationships.

I love active, constructive responding as a framework because it feels practical to me. I can, on one hand it’s silly to think I know the steps, I can do this. And, the more that we practice something, With the steps, with the checkmark of, okay, acknowledge, ask a question, celebrate, acknowledge, ask a question, celebrate, that can become our normal response.

It could become automatic for when people share positive news or good events or experiences with us, that we immediately default to this active, constructive responding that builds trust. relational resources that can be called upon in times of stress and uncertainty. Doesn’t that sound amazing? Whether your relationship with your partner, with your family members, with your children is great, or if it could use some work.

I feel like all relationships continually require maintenance. Something simple like this is an easy way to practically build positive Connection within a relationship and it, of course, knowing about it. You may also start to notice how you are responded to when you’re sharing good events and news with other people.

And let’s start with getting to be active, constructive responders. I think that as we model this behavior, as we introduce the idea of not only you, acknowledging a seat has been planted in our relationship, but watering it and giving it sunshine and, maybe even singing it a little song that model becomes then part of the example of our relationship, of course, for our Children, but even for our partners themselves.

When I was learning about. Active constructive responding, part of my assignment in my program was to do a teaching presentation and Dave was my teaching presentation partner for that class, so I, we discussed this together. I gave him a presentation. We talked about it, and it was positive to do this.

We had the framework to be able to talk about it and have a reason about it. I wasn’t saying it. if I had just brought this up out of the blue, maybe it would have, it could have been perceived as critical of our relationship or of his responding or of my responding, in the context, it was great.

It was like, here’s a cool thing. And we were able to discuss it. And I’ve noticed how, even though we’re not perfect at it by any stretch of the imagination, Occasionally, I’ll notice the way that Dave responds with this active constructive response. That’s almost textbook and it doesn’t seem forced. It’s like he picked up on this.

He’s always, he’s a very supportive partner, which I’m so grateful for. He’s wonderful. And he will, he’ll always acknowledge, but then it’s the step of taking it a step deeper to ask a question about it. How did that feel for you? Tell me more about the experience. what were you thinking when that good thing happened to you and then going on to celebrate it together, turning one good event and again, I don’t think I mentioned this, but in this particular study, they’re mostly concerned with not shared experiences, not when a good thing happens to both of us, but when a good thing happens to one of us and we voluntarily share it with the other, how that is then acknowledged, explored and appreciated.

It becomes a shared experience through the communication of it, through the response and the further discussion and the deepening of the discussion. It becomes a shared experience, not only when the good thing happened to you, but when we talked about that good thing that happened to you and we both got to enjoy that together.

I hope in learning about this today that your wheels are turning a little bit and that you’ll remember the simple, steps of exclamation point, question mark, exclamation point, acknowledge, ask a question, and celebrate. If we can do those things more often in our relationships, we will have better relationships.

We’ll have deeper and more connective relationships. We will feel more supported in our relationships as our modeling. An example of this goes on to, to create a culture and a norm of this type of positive support. And like I mentioned, sometimes the good news that someone shares do recall for us.

Conflicts or concerns or questions that aren’t strictly positive, active, constructive response can happen in the moment and we can reserve the logistical discussion of the details for later. I don’t think that it hurts anything for the experience itself to be celebrated, for the opportunity to be celebrated, for the idea to be celebrated and acknowledged, and then later, once that support is in place and those resources have been built, being able to open a conversation about how this is going to look and work.

 I’m concerned about this or that and being able to bring that up once it’s already been really validated and supported and accepted. The research doesn’t talk about this because they didn’t explore this, but my guess is that having a foundation of having built that strength first, then makes it a softer landing for being able to discuss whether it’s possible or the ways in which you’re going to make it work.

 I know that sometimes I share, half-baked ideas, something I’m really excited about. And having Dave or, a friend or a sister just say, wow, that’s so cool. I love that idea. That’s great. Then gives me the kind of validation and support and connection that I need to then go on and maybe a few days later decide, it is a good idea and I’m still not going to move forward with it.

Or I don’t think that it’s something that I’m going to pursue. But having it be my decision, and That I get to come to that place on my own, rather than having someone else shoot it down, preserves the relationship. In short, if you want to continue building flourishing, connective relationships, try active, constructive responding.

As always, I feel incredibly grateful that you are spending some of your time and attention to listen to Practically Happy. I hope that this show, and every show, gives you a little bit of something to think about, to be inspired by, or to share. Or to try to feel a little bit better in your daily life.

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